Mar 22

Mar 22 My thoughts on the Corona Virus Pandemic as a Cancer Patient…

I need to speak on this topic lightly, I know, as I’m not here to offend anybody. I’m also not here to speak on anyone’s behalf either, although I’m sure a bunch of you who are on a similar journey to mine, or those of you who have an autoimmune disease, been in surgery recently, etc. can relate to some of the thoughts and feelings I’m about to share…

Here is my perspective on the current happenings of the world as a cancer patient in case you were curious…

FEAR

I’m not going to lie, I don’t read or watch the news. Not often, anyway. I’ll click on a headline if it piques my interest and skim through it very quickly just to stay on top of things high-level. I’ll listen to my parents share updates on things at the dinner table. I’ll see friends’s posts on Facebook. But I try to steer clear of the news on this topic because, to be frank, it bloody terrifies me and does me no good in overthinking the situation.

The same goes for me researching cancer. My type of cancer, stage, life expectancy, side effects from the drugs, long term effects from chemo/surgery, etc. I’m better off never doing it.

A lot of negative news goes straight to my head and makes me think irrationally— out of pure emotion, vs. logic. It makes me selfish. Nasty. Not my usual self.

I know that if I sit and listen or read terrifying stats for hours at a time, I start to think differently. I start to lose hope. I start to bicker with my parents. I start to complain to my friends. I act out in fear.

Whereas if I am able to dissect a situation calmly (and from afar), I can be proactive. I can make a game plan. And I can adjust my usual routine as needed— without dropping everything and freaking out.

When people first started talking about closing down businesses, working from home, practising social distancing… I had it in my head that I had a cold. That it was Corona virus. That I will die.

I had a full on panic attack sitting in the bath tub home alone. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move. I just wailed these awful tears of sheer terror for what must’ve been close to half an hour.

I’m already slowly losing my mind due to cancer (though I’m usually able to control myself and live life just fine). So my thoughts on this virus? It f*cking SUCKS. Big time. It could not come at any worse timing.

Life has felt like it has gotten more and more difficult as the weeks and months go by. I am strong and I will overcome anything life throws at me, but if this isn’t the ultimate life test, I don’t know what is…

But in saying that, I’m still here. It could always be worse. I still have so much to be grateful for. I still have so much to work towards. I still have my game plan. I’ll just have to adjust as needed and keep my chin up and eyes on the prize.

TREATMENT

One thing that concerns me more than anything, is whether or not my treatments will get delayed, cancelled, or changed.

I’m supposed to meet with my Oncologist this coming Thursday, March 26th, at the hospital before my final Chemotherapy session on the 31st. Will that still happen? Will it become a phone call instead? I haven’t spoken with my assigned oncologist since February 17th and I’d like to go over my Ultrasound results in person, ideally, just in case the conversation takes a turn and we need to adjust my game plan.

The anxiety is getting full on, friends.

The closer I get to surgery and finding out my final results… the more anxious I get. Which, I suppose is completely fair and to be expected.

But knowing this virus could mess with this, upsets me even more than necessary and I know a lot of women are in the same boat!

I will keep you all posted on my treatment plan in the following few days/weeks…

SOCIAL DISTANCING

I hadn’t posted a blog in so long before this week because I felt immense loneliness and depression a lot of the time and didn’t want that to reflect in my writing. That’s not what this blog is about (well, sometimes, because I do want to share it all— but I knew it would be more sorrow than inspiration, so I held off).

I haven’t left my house to do anything ‘fun’ since Wednesday March 11th (I went to an hour pole fitness class at 8pm that night) and had considered not going. But it’s been a full 2 weeks already that I have seen friends. Let’s just say my quarantine-ing started early, haha.

As a cancer patient, you’re already fighting for your life, feeding your body more and more poison to fend off the #1 enemy: Cancer. It not only affects you physically, but mentally as well. And to add something like this virus we don’t know enough about, that is rapidly spreading across the world, at a rate that is overwhelming health care professionals— let’s just say it’s enough to scare anybody (otherwise healthy or not).

Since day one of chemotherapy in November I became weary of those sneezing and coughing around me.

Nobody likes to get sick, but to get sick when your body literally cannot fight off anything, is sort of terrifying.

To my fellow cancer patients or those with autoimmune diseases, you know what it’s like to live most days a little fearful of those around you. We are already told to avoid large crowds (aka anything fun in my opinion, haha— musicfests, malls, movie theatres…)

I miss my old friends.

I miss my new friends.

I miss doing things outside the house.

I already felt isolated so often as is, that it feels almost comical at this point…!

But at the same time, I know I can do this (and you can too!) It’s necessary for survival and for overcoming this as part of the bigger picture.

What I do when I’m bored…

I play the piano
I play video games
I chat online with friends
I watch Netflix online with friends
I take a bath
I do my nails
I do a workout (weights, yoga, mobility/stretching, dancing)
I go for a walk
I listen to music and write
I read
I cook and clean
I practice a language
I play with my pet
I do something with my parents
I do some work from home
I do something creative

CLOSING THOUGHTS

At the end of the day, we have a choice.

We can play the Victim or Victor.

We can play into the fear or we can seek opportunity in times of misfortune (as damn difficult as that may seem, there are usually a few things!)

I get to spend more time with family
I get more time to practice piano
I get more time to workout
I get more time to rest
I get more time to work on myself (meditation is great)
I get to make more of an effort with friends
I get to prepare for the future; slow down and think about what’s truly important
I get to practice self love and how to be okay with being alone in my thoughts
I get to help the world overcome something big and scary
I (will) get to appreciate life even more once this blows over…

Despite all the negative things I could list about my life right now (and how shit this virus is), I’m choosing to flip it and instead write down what I’m grateful for (let’s end this on a high note, shall we? You can do this too!)

I’m grateful to live with my loving parents (they put up with all of my moods— cue menopause sass, what fun!)
- They put a roof over my head
- They help me pay my student loan
- They fill the house with food and other necessities
- They help me take care of my pets
I’m grateful for my brother
- He visits most weekends and always makes me laugh
- He is thoughtful (i.e.: he bought me flowers on Valentine’s Day)
I’m grateful for my friends in Vancouver
- They visit me; we have drinks, they cook me food, they check in on me
I’m grateful for my friends far away
- They message me constantly, send me funny memes for distraction, always check in on me
I’m grateful for the sunny days
I’m grateful for my body and its ability to run, jump, squat, stretch, walk, bend, heal
I’m grateful for my work, boss, and coworkers who keep me busy and have my back whenever needed
I’m grateful for my pets and their love
I’m grateful for my strong mind
I’m grateful for the health care professionals at my hospital