It’s been exactly six months since my life changed forever.

October 11th, 2019, I got the official “You have cancer” chat from the surgeon at the Abbotsford hospital.

Six months since my perspective on life shifted drastically.

I’m more aware of my coping mechanisms.
I’m more in-tune with my priorities and goals.
I’m more aware of people’s points-of-view, sincerity, and intentions.
I’m more aware of what truly matters in (my) life.

A part of me feels as though it’s been so long since my cancer diagnosis that I can hardly remember life before it…

And part of me is shocked that it hasn’t been longer since it has completely rocked my world.

Some days I just float by. Some days I feel completely ‘normal’ and don’t think much of my health situation at all (which I know I’m very fortunate to be able to say and feel).

In six months…

I have been told I have a cancerous tumour too large to operate on.
I have lost a family pet.
I have tried doing the long-distance relationship thing.
I have been warned I will likely lose the ability to have children.
I have gone through a devastating breakup.
I have said goodbye to my best friend.
I have been through 5 months of chemotherapy.
I have lost every hair on my body.
I have felt the most ugly in my life.
I have felt the most alone, unwanted, and rejected in my life.
I have felt the most fatigued in my life.
I have felt the most afraid in my life.
I have felt the most trapped and dependent in my life.
I have been unable to see my closest friends.
I have been told I’ll be getting a mastectomy.
I have been pushing through cancer treatment during a global pandemic.

But I’ve kept…

Working to stay busy.
Active to keep healthy.
Open to meeting new people.
Trying new things to stay adventurous.
Positive to keep going each day.
Hopeful to keep peace of mind.
My sense of humour to get me through the dark times.

It’s crazy how much my life has changed in these last few weeks and months…

Originally, I had planned on moving back to Ottawa right around now to buy my first ever home with my (now ex) partner. We were going to start traveling more. We were going to build (what I had thought would be) our forever.

Now my plan is simply to finish treatment, lose a boob, and avoid Corona virus (haha! Frig…)

That is some ultimate Catfish shit right there, haha!

So, what’s next…?

Well, I’m excited for my hair to start growing back. (You bet your ass I have a Pinterest board with dozens of photos for inspiration as it grows back in every stage/length).
I’m waiting to get my dog back on a plane to come live with me. (I can’t wait to bring her on more hikes and camping adventures. I miss our daily walks!)
I’m patiently (let’s be real, more like anxiously) waiting for the phone call with next steps on my surgery plan from the hospital.
Ongoing Herceptin treatments every 3 weeks for another year (for best chances of avoiding a recurrence - since I’m HER-2positive).
Quarterly heart scans (aka MUGA scans - to ensure Herceptin isn’t destroying it too bad).
Determining if I’ll need radiation post-surgery.
Finding out which drugs I’ll be on for the next God-knows-how-long.
Beating cancer.

I have my phone call with the oncologist Thursday, April 16th.
I have my next MUGA scan on Monday, April 20th.
I have my next Herceptin injection on Tuesday, April 21st.
The first week of May should be when I have my surgery…

To say I’m anxious and getting impatient is an understatement. This year has been the ultimate test of my mental strength and patience.

I just want to travel.
I just want to see friends and go on dates.
I just want to get this surgery done and over with.
I just want my dog back.
I just want to get a tattoo.
I just want to get back to working out in the gym.
I just want to start working full time again.
I just want my independence back and to have my own apartment again.
I just want to feel and look like my old self again.
I just want to create a new life out here in B.C…

And it’s even more weird now that everyone is in a same boat… unable to travel, see friends/family/loved ones, work, etc.…

I don’t really know what to think a lot of the times these days. When asked how I’m doing, I usually say ‘fine!’ And I am, I think. I’m just neutral. Stuck in this weird vortex of time where nothing makes sense and nothing is set in stone.

And I feel as though a lot of people can relate to that right now…

But today is today. Tomorrow will be tomorrow. And we just have to take each moment as it comes.

Thanks for reading, your support means a lot to me XO

#shestaysstrong

Feel free to email shestaysstrongblog@gmail.com if you want to chat or have questions, and be sure to follow me on Instagram for (near) daily updates! @shestaysstrongblog