Life After Cancer…

No one really warns you of the aftermath. 

You’ve finished the “battle”.

You’re done with active treatment.

Your hair has grown back.

Your scars have started to fade.

“Things are good now, right?”

“So now you are back to normal?”

“Good job, I’m so proud of you” — only to never hear from them again.

I think in some ways “after” cancer is harder to manoeuvre than “during”.

You have no other choice during but to show up to the hospital for appointments and go on.

But after… it’s like:

Okay, I’ll get back to the grind.

Okay, I’ll take on more work hours.

Okay, I’ll start this fitness routine.

Okay, I’ll be better at eating right.

Okay, I better appreciate every split second of the day; there’s not a minute to miss out on! 

And don’t you dare ever get short, angry, irritated, or, God forbid, sad!

What’s there to be sad about?

Be positive, look around you.

And then you look around you.

Everything has changed.

Your perception of the world.

Maybe it’s the passions you once had. 

The hobbies. 

Your lover.

The people you trust… fewer, surely.

Your mannerisms change.

You speak differently.

Because you think differently.

You look in the mirror, and sure, you’re 95% the same-looking person but there are real hints of trauma there.

That gash on your chest. Those holes in your sides. The swelling in your arm. The dark circles under your eyes.

Maybe you smile at yourself. But it’s empty.

Damn— and then the emotions that you held on to during treatment to ‘stay strong’ come crashing in like giant ocean waves that were somehow contained behind a massive mountain edge.

The feelings are loud.

But don’t get me wrong…

I am so incredibly grateful to be here writing this right now.

I love my life.

I love my parents, brother, friends near and far, my partner, my cat, my job and coworkers, work clients, I love my gym, my passions… so much.

But I also mourn my past.

And I feel sorry for my past self. 

But proud.

It’s all a weird twist of emotions.

But that’s life, right?

We’re all handed cards and we have to find the best strategy and use them accordingly.

The game ain’t over until we’ve used up all of our cards.

And sometimes we’re dealt a shitty hand.

Physically, I’m alright. I can still lift weights, do yoga, go for walks.

Do I love my body? Not entirely.

Did I before cancer? Not entirely.

I can’t change my chest (not really). I can’t change the dips and pocketing and scars (not really). I can’t change the swelling in my arm (not really).

This is my body now and it certainly tells a story.

One I’m not afraid to share.

Mentally, I’m alright. Some days I just want to scream and let the snowball effect of worst-case scenarios consume me because I just don’t have the energy to fight it off.

And sometimes I feel on top of the world. Bringing my A-Game. Owning my health, balancing social life, accomplishing things…

Life after cancer is a unique story to everyone.

It’s hard to explain.

It’s just ups and downs and constant side effects to deal with.

I think one thing people must realize is that no matter the outcome, no one is ever really truly the same.

And that some days will be wonderful. And some days just really really hard.

But again, cancer aside. This is life, right?

We’re meant to feel good and bad, right and wrong, happy and sad.

So for me, personally, I’m working on my mental strength and resilience.

I’m trying to open my eyes to new perspectives and opportunities.

While allowing myself to feel all the feels.

Even if my blogging only helps one person, then great.

I hope to meet inspiring people.

I want to learn new things.

I don’t want to get bogged down by anxiety, physical changes, and every little crummy thing that cancer has put in my lap.

I refuse to let this define me.

This is only one chapter of my story.

I am more than just scars and fear and ‘the young woman who had cancer’.

I am beautiful in my own way.

I am smart in my own way.

I am courageous in my own way.

I am strong in my own way.

I’ve been able to recognize this in myself the past few years.

Vacation with Sam - Mexico April 2022

I’ve managed quite a few things I’m proud of.

Buying a home.

Working on my relationship that just hit two years with Sam.

Getting a big promotion at work.

Travelling.

(And for those reading… I’m not trying to brag. I want YOU to think about your personal wins. No matter how big or small you think they may appear to others. That doesn’t matter.)

So as for the future…?

Right now I’m focused on getting some check-ups.

My arm has developed lymphedema. I’m seeing my family doctor this week for a general check-up and to see if I should have another scan. And I’m seeing a massage therapist next week for a lymphatic drainage massage. (Google it if you’re not sure what this all means— much wow, much fun! *not*)

I’m also focused on watching what I eat (more veggies and home cooked meals) and how I move my body (finding what works best for me— walking, yoga, some weights).

I’m focused on my hobbies. I am still chipping away at learning French and playing piano, reading and doing art.

And I want to do better at being social. Planning more outings and spending more time with family and friends.

It’s hard to balance everything and some days I struggle with not being able to control everything going on around me.

But again, that comes down to my journey of growth and evolution. Patience, understanding, working on my thought patterns, belief system, and how I speak to myself.

I don’t know what the future holds. 

And for someone with anxiety who likes to make to-do lists and plan 10 steps ahead, that absolutely terrifies me.

“What if it’s all for nothing?”

And then I remember… all we have is right now.

I don’t make 10 year plans anymore. 

I don’t set expectations.

I can’t let myself care if the average woman my age has children already.

Or if they have a cooler career. Are fitter. Look hotter. Have more money and cool possessions. Travel the world. Have ten dogs.

I have my own book to write, my own story to tell, my own chapters to discover. Slowly, and at my own pace.

So I encourage you to look in the mirror again and this time smile big… and be genuine this time… breathe in, breathe out.

It’s okay to not be okay all the time.

Just focus on today.

Fuel yourself with love and care.

Get off social media.

Go for a walk outside.

Listen to an inspirational audio book.

Pick up a pencil and start doodling.

Get lost in the now.

Not the what ifs.

Or the past.

Because “it is what it is, ’til it ain’t”.

Truly.

I hope you’re all doing well friends.

Feel free to reach out if you’d like to chat.

Sometimes just writing out your thoughts and feelings makes a world of difference.

Thanks for reading.

On a beach in Cancun…

XO shestaysstrong