Hi everyone! I’m still here. I’m still kickin’. I’m still staying strong.

But honestly, I just don’t know what to write about these days.

I had written down so many blog ideas initially, but truth be told, I’ve started to drift slowly away from the person I once was. I always wanted this to be a positive platform, so I find it best I don’t post at all during my ‘slumps’.

I’m still me though. I’m still hopeful. I’m still doing what I love to do despite it all… but some days and weeks are more challenging these days.

If anything I’m trying to pull longer work days, exercise more, busy my mind more by learning new things… I find it hard to rest or nap— anxiety creeps in…

And with everything that’s happening in the world right now, I feel completely overwhelmed. I have a cold, which freaks me out. I’m just monitoring myself and not letting the ‘what ifs’ creep into my brain.

This is all probably a reason to write more…

I just don’t want to sound too sad! Because I know things will be okay… and I know strength doesn’t always mean holding back tears, not being afraid, and not being vulnerable and sharing the bad and ugly, too.

But anyway, here’s an update on my journey:

Chemotherapy:

I survived round 2 of Herceptin and Taxol just fine. With far less side effects as the first round. My joint pain wasn’t nearly as bad, and I didn’t get the itchiness at all, thank god. However, my acne is back in full force (joy haha) and I haven’t had a period in months already.

Last Tuesday, March 10th, I went in for Chemo round 7/8. These rounds of chemo are so terribly long… I’m in the hospital for a good 7 hours (again, how dang boring for my parents, but I’m thankful they sit with me!) I get up to pee about 50 times— dragging my IV drip and poison along with me… being extra cautious of the tubes and needle stuck to my chest, and toddle back to my chair where I usually pass out again, because Benadryl. This round the nurses accidentally mixed up the order of my pre-drugs (or whatever you want to call them) so I got extra steroids/Benadryl and could barely keep my eyes open to go to the washroom, but I survived, haha. These chemo days are the most soul-sucking, long, boring, blah days ever. I’m forced to sleep by the Benadryl to fend off any possible allergic reactions the Taxol tends to have on people, but I don’t like it. I’m startled awake from a deep sleep every 10 minutes and it’s so disruptive to my brain and emotions. I’d rather sit and read or watch a show but instead I have to sleep on and off in ten-minute intervals for hours on end on display for everyone. It’s really strange, but somehow you get by! I know a lot of women don’t mind these chemo days as they’re able to just sleep the whole time…!

March 31st, 2020 I am scheduled for my final round of chemotherapy, and even though that doesn’t mean I’ve beat cancer (yet)… I do want to ring the bell because what a milestone that will be..!

“Is this sh*t over yet?”— quote brought to you by today’s thoughts and feelings haha!

Oncologist:

I spoke with a GP Oncologist before my last round of chemo instead of my usual one because I’ve been ‘doing well’ and apparently they shift you to speak with a general one if that is your case— so that’s good, and it was interesting and good for my mind to get a second opinion after so many weeks of no updates.

She was extremely kind and friendly and encouraging. She was told how large my tumour had been initially and got out a measuring tape to try to assess it at its current state— but her, too, could hardly feel it and so she deemed it unmeasurable. Hurray! She was happy with my health and lack of side effects thus far, and scheduled me an ultrasound to get a better gauge on things. (That’s supposed to happen this Friday, March 20th, so I’ll keep you all posted.) I’m nervous and anxious but also curious and excited for that…

Plastic Surgery:

My consult with the plastic surgeon was encouraging. She assessed my current body and thinks she can do a great job in giving me a new pair, haha— and bigger too, if I want. Hell, I’ll bloody well take it! Obviously things can go wrong— the skin can die, I can get an infection, the body may reject the implants, etc. But she agrees that my choice of opting for a double will be good for me (some reasons being: no more mammograms, symmetry/look, etc.) and that we’ll just ‘roll with the punches’ if anything negative happens. I’ll have to update the general surgeon on the fact that I’ve decided fully on a double vs. single but that’s where I currently stand. I might need radiation post-surgery so we will use expanders overtime throughout the process (radiation can harden and ruin final implants). I still don’t have a surgery date yet but so long as this crazy world doesn’t delay things, it should be the first week of May. That means I have about a month and a half left in my current body... with my current breasts… and that’s weird to say out loud. I’m terrified of the pain, look, feel, scarring, burning… you name it… that is to come. But take me to hell and back if it does the trick!

Fun Stuff:

Dad’s birthday was March 5th so we went out for dinner at the Bow & Stern (fish tacos, fish & chips, and beer flights for the fam!) It was a good evening.

I went out to play mini golf with a new friend on the 6th, which was fun. Putting game is still weak, but it was nice to get out of the house haha. I had a few friends over on the 7th and we had some beers, played Jenga, and Cards Against Humanity (brutal game, oops haha!) On the 8th I went for brunch with my girlfriend and her mom. I’ve gone on a few walks with people too, just to get out of the house. It was nice to do ‘normal’ things that week before chemo! But now that will have to be put on hold too— thanks, Corona virus…

I did two Pole Fitness classes (March 4th and 11th, the next sessions postponed/credited due to them closing for the virus) which were fun! I met a few people who seem really cool! The class is so incredibly welcoming. The teacher started things off by saying there is no judgment here. There is no ‘you’re doing this wrong’. Just simply a fun time getting fit and tapping into your sensuality. We introduced ourselves while sitting in a circle. One woman was 70 years old and broke down when explaining she’s been fit her whole life, looking for a new challenge, and motivated to keep strong at her age since her friends are starting to pass away… Another woman does dance classes at the studio too so she had quite the moves and I got to partner with her and learn a few extra things! Another person was a sex therapist and extremely funny— I partnered with her the second time and we had some laughs. There was even one man in the class, which I thought was neat, he’s very shy so I say hi to him when I get the chance. The rest of the class is mostly younger women (in their early 20s) so it’s just a good mash up of humans getting together. I’m sad that it’s on hold for further notice and that I won’t be able to continue this until likely the fall, but c’est la vie…

I am still exercising from home. I do some weights, work on my mobility/stretching (my goal is to be able to do the splits by the end of the year), walk on the treadmill, go outside for a walk alone (avoiding all humans, haha), and I’ve even started learning a dance routine on the Steezy app. I’ll have to do more yoga from home too, eventually.

I am still playing some piano most days. I’m still learning french (very slowly and surely haha) on my DuoLingo App… I’m also (even more slowly) trying to learn some more Portuguese, Chinese, Japanese, and German. Languages interest me. My brother Ryan has been working hard at learning Chinese and French too— so it’s encouraging!

I am working. I’m trying to work 5 hours/day now— to amp it up a bit before my next chapter in this cancer journey. I assume I’ll have to take unpaid time off for surgery/radiation but we will see how I fare!

Other than that, I watch YouTube or play The Sims 4. I think I’ve got this quarantine thing pretty down pat already haha.

I hope you’re all staying safe and healthy. Remember to think of others before you go out— wash ya damn hands, stay home if you’re sick, don’t hoard toilet paper and hand sanitizer… be a decent human being, and we’ll be okay.

If you want, you can send me an email with any questions, comments, suggestions, etc. shestaysstrongblog@gmail.com and be sure to follow me on Instagram @shestaysstrongblog for daily updates!

Love to ya and thanks for reading! Stay Strong XO