One of the best forms of therapy must certainly be: animals.

Animals don’t judge you on looks, how you’re feeling (be that mood or physically), what you say out loud, or anything surface-level and insignificant.

They just want to love you and be loved.

They’re the most loyal of friends during hard times.

I carry a lot of sadness with me from my days of treatment because during that timeframe I also lost two pets.

On my day of my diagnosis (October 11th 2019— the weekend of Canadian Thanksgiving that year) we had already scheduled to put down our 17 year old Maltese. This dog had travelled the country with us— coast to coast, with every big move we made as a military family. We got him before I was even 12 years old. And even though I didn’t live with him past the age of 19, he was a close family pet for basically my entire life as far as I could remember… all of my best friends know and remember Kirby. He was such a staple Cansfield family member!

I remember how cruel it felt to come home and inform my father of the news after he had gotten home from work. We were already dreading the vet appointment that evening. Now we had the loss of a loved one AND cancer to deal with all at once.

My brother also drove over so we could say our goodbyes to Kirby as an entire family. We each took turns holding him, rocking him, and giving him kisses.

Because our vet appointment was scheduled so late, I didn’t want to wait until after to tell my brother of my diagnosis, so just before leaving I pulled him aside to tell him the news.

“What the fuck? Are you being serious right now?”

It was a lot to take in. We already had tears in our eyes as we were getting ready to drive to the vet office.

I don’t really remember the rest of the evening or that week… I do know it had been a Friday so we at least had the weekend to decompress and let things sink in.

It was all a bit too much. I still cry anytime I think too hard about this day.

I am so grateful I had my big chubby orange cat alongside me for the rest of treatment. Ozzy has been my rock through every up and down in my adult life (break ups, major moves, college panic attacks, you name it). And though he’s caused me a lot of sleepless nights, he makes up for it in his cuddles.

I was also missing my dog Robyn during this time as my (then) partner had brought her back with him to Ottawa. The plan was for me to finish treatment and then move back there to start the next chapter of our lives together. He had landed a good job, I needed my parents’ support…

Well, life had other plans. Long story short, I was dumped that January. We always told each other should our relationship end that I would keep Ozzy (since I had gotten him prior to us dating when I was only 19) and he would keep Robyn. Since I was staying at my parents and they had a ‘no large dogs allowed’ housing rule, this confirmed it just made sense.

After the breakup I had to also deal with the loss of this dog we had had together for years… assuming I would never see her again.

Later that Spring my ex had sprung on me that he wanted to surrender Robyn back to the rescue we had gotten her from many years ago and I was baffled. I was so upset at the fact he couldn’t keep his ONE promise to me… that he would keep Robyn and I Ozzy should we ever split.

For a solid month surrounding my surgery I had the plan of taking Robyn back. I had even gotten a ‘pity plea’ approval from my parents’ housing committee that would allow me to house Robyn there until I was able to move out on my own again by the end of the year.

But seeing as I had no clue how I would afford my own place and find a place that allowed two animals (very difficult in the greater Vancouver area— if you know you know), coupled with the fact I had no clue if I would even beat cancer… I had to agree with him in the end that she’d be best going back to Sit With Me rescue.

Love you Robyn! I have the little bird as part of my mastectomy cover up tattoo for you. Miss you always.

I cannot express to you the pain I still feel in knowing we had both given up on her.

I still cannot understand how selfish this entire situation panned out to be.

I will never understand or forgive. All I can do is accept it happened and move on.

I know from word of mouth that she is living with a member of Sit With Me and living her best life— and that’s all I can ask for.

There are moments (at least weekly, to this day) that I think about her and wish she was still mine. It’s a weird sort of jealousy knowing she’s thriving with another family but at the same time it gives me comfort. I guess in the end, I just feel guilty, sad, and like I’m not deserving of my pets’ love.

Fast forward 1.5 years later and I now own a puppy. Sadie is the light of my life. At first Sam (my current partner whom I now own a home with) and I didn’t want to add any members to our family. We were fine with just Ozzy, my cat. But I’m so glad he caved when the opportunity arose in getting a puppy.

It was certainly a situation that was meant to be. Someone had backed out of their deposit on the puppy and the breeder had contacted my mother asking if I’d be interested (she had mentioned to her months prior that one day I’d likely want a dog again). Sam and I hmm’d and haw’d and eventually said no. A replacement was found. But the next day we felt like we had made the wrong decision and let her know that if by chance AGAIN the couple backed out, that we would take a puppy.

And wouldn’t you know it… they did. And so we drove up a few weeks later to meet the puppies knowing we’d get 3rd pick. I had an instant connection with Sadie (then Cyndi Lauper haha!)

She is my little buddy. She’s tough, inquisitive, smart, and friendly. And I’m so fortunate to have my cat and dog by my side. The cat and dog get along for the most part and even cuddle time to time. My heart is so full having a dog in my life again. I had always had a dog in my life— except during treatment. So I hope to never experience that loneliness again.

I do feel guilty in owning a new dog— quite often actually. I worry people will judge me. Not understand my situation and choice. And talk behind my back. I feel like I should’ve fought harder for Robyn. I shouldn’t have Sadie now because of my failure.

But I know I’m a good dog mom. I’m not sure I’ll ever have children so having fur babies just makes sense. And we’re lucky our new home and its housing rules allows for two pets (no “pitbull” type dogs allowed though!)

I guess why I’m sharing this… is because I so highly recommend having some sort of pet by your side— they are always there for you throughout every chapter of life. Of course it requires energy, time, money… so if it doesn’t make sense for you and your lifestyle, partnership, etc., then perhaps a different type of pet is a better option for you (fish be cute too!)

I know during treatment that going on walks was a big thing for me, and I missed having a dog by my side to do that. I think it would’ve gotten me out and moving EVEN more. And even though treatment is exhausting, having something that depends on you still is a way to keep pushing through.

I’m curious if you have any pets. In what ways were they helpful during your cancer diagnosis and treatment? Drop me a comment below or come find me on Instagram! Let’s chat.

Thanks for reading.

XO Stephanie

#shestaysstrong