Cancer & Dating: Finding Empathy in a Partner (a Thank You to my Partner)
Empathy:
Noun - The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
This is what first attracted me to Sam, my current partner. His empathetic character.
It’ll now always be one of the first things I look for in people— whether that be in friendships, partnerships, or other dynamics.
I think it says a lot about a person when upon initial conversation they want to get to know you as a person (mentally and emotionally), vs. just the physical parts of you. (Especially in a romantic sense).
I’ll never forget our first phone conversation (we had chatted online for a good month or so before meeting in person because it was May 2020— right as the pandemic had hit).
When I told him I had breast cancer, the first thing he said was, “I’m so sorry you’re going through that.”
From our 2-year anniversary!
And it’s not like he could literally relate, but he could understand my pain and struggles and he showed sorrow and care for me straight away.
Other men I had talked to (in person earlier in the year or over the telephone) made it quite clear right away that they were shocked, turned off, scared, and/or intimidated by this fact and (usually) politely but quickly tried to escape and end the conversation.
But Sam was different.
He didn’t tell me some story along the lines of “Oh my Aunt so-and-so died of that” or “So are you bald then?” or “That sucks, are you getting fake boobs then?” (Yes, all common responses, you’d be surprised ha…)
Instead he chose kindness, and we continued the conversation as any other ‘normal’ people talking for the first time would— asking about hobbies, jobs, travelling, etc.
Later on he’d send me photos of badass mastectomy cover-up tattoos that he thought I’d like (I told him this was my future plan) and he’d do research as to how tamoxifen and radiation would effect me and try to find things to help me.
In some ways, I’m thankful for the lockdown.
It forced me to talk to people on a much deeper level. Instead of the typical experience you’d expect from online dating apps… it allowed me to quickly get to know people (and whether they were a fit for me).
It was a hard lesson learned but one I appreciate: you’re dating to find someone who compliments and works well with YOU. You’re not dating to fill your ego and be loved by everyone. There will be plenty of rejection, but that’s a good thing. There is nothing wrong in filtering out those not meant to be with you (and vice versa).
Overall, this slow burn brought us closer together because all we had was our conversation— questions to get to know one another, deep conversations about beliefs, opinions, and life goals, and other intimate details.
And by the time we did meet in person, it just clicked and felt right.
Now, don’t get me wrong. We aren’t perfect. But we are on the same page with almost everything, compromise on just about everything, and get along really well.
If Sam hadn’t been so empathetic in the beginning, he would’ve just been another person I moved on from.
But the more we talked, the more he wanted to help and get to know my situation— no matter how messy the details.
I told him I was bald.
I told him I was losing my breasts.
I told him I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to have children.
I told him I was scared, anxious, but a fighter.
And I think that in return he admired me for this.
I remember him telling me how proud he was of me after completing radiation.
And for getting back in the gym.
And for getting through hard follow-up appointments, Herceptin treatments, and starting tamoxifen.
He wasn’t there for the initial diagnosis or chemotherapy, but the aftermath was just as hard and I depended on him for a lot.
It’s funny how Sam was there for me more than the man I was in a 7+ year relationship with prior to.
Timing in a relationship really doesn’t mean anything.
It’s how deep and profound the connection is.
I’m thankful for the hurt and the bad times, because in the end it turned into something even more beautiful.
Empathy is everything in human connection.
The first photo we took together without one of my wigs on! Standing outside the development our new townhome.
So if there’s any piece of advice I can give someone getting back into the dating scene, it’s certainly this: look for empathy first.
In how they treat the wait staff, strangers, their family members, and how they speak to you.
I guess this blog post is more or less an appreciation post. I am so grateful to have found you, Sam. I love you and can’t thank you enough!
Thank you for reading!
Stephanie
XO shestaysstrong
PS: If you want to chat more about dating, hit me up! I’m a pretty open book.
shestaysstrongblog@gmail.com or find me on Instagram @shestaysstrongblog
