Survivorship of a Breast Cancer Patient - 2 Years Later
May 6th, 2020, I got the call from my surgeon telling me I was “all clear”.
I’ll never forget that day as I had been anticipating that call since my double-mastectomy + axillary lymph node dissection/removal surgery from one week prior.
I had been anxiously sitting on the couch busying my mind with YouTube videos and The Sims 4 video game on my computer. I still had all my drains in and my velcro bandeau-style top on underneath my baggy T-shirt.
My mom had gone to work, my father was upstairs working from home.
I paced the basement floor as she spoke to me, a smile growing on my face and tears filling my eyes.
As soon as I hung up, I yelled up to my dad and he came running down. The hug we shared in that moment was surreal.
I remember calling a bunch of my best friends and going for a walk in the sunshine— my bald head out for everyone to see. I was on top of the world.
I was so excited to surprise my mom with the news when she got home that afternoon…
Then the weeks slowly crept by, and as I got back to work, back to ‘normalcy’, and back to routine, all the while slowly healing physically and pushing myself a bit more and more each day….
I had this sudden anxiety start to build.
A voice start to speak to me from inside my head.
A shadow that started stalking me.
This creepy nagging feeling had started to always surround me…
No one warns you of the aftermath of a cancer diagnosis.
How challenging it can be to cope and recover from the “battle” you had just fought.
All those months of chemotherapy, radiation, surgery, appointments… it consumes your life and becomes the only thing that really matters. You’re literally fighting for your life.
Once that’s all over, you don’t trust anything. You don’t fully believe anything. You’re doubtful this is it…
The aftermath of cancer, for me, has been more difficult in most ways than the actual treatment ever was.
At least mentally.
It puts you in a constant state of anxiety, worry, and doubt.
And it keeps you in a ‘fight or flight’ mode almost 24/7.
Not to mention the loneliness that hits you, oh boy…
Since a cancer diagnosis changes you in every way almost imaginable, so do the people around you (and fair enough, to be honest…)
It’s hard to know what to say to you, how to be around you, to know what will now upset or offend you… so people tend to shy away.
You struggle to concentrate since this whole ‘battle’ that had once consumed your every day has just been removed from your brain and you’re unable to fill it with enough of anything else.
I constantly had to busy myself with work, exercise, hobbies, chores… or else I felt like the monster would get me. The creepy voice, the shadow, the nagging anxiety…
It’s been a long work in progress these last couple of years.
Most days I am thriving and productive, happy and on track.
But some days I just hide away indoors from my monster.
What is this monster, you might ask? The fear of recurrence if you hadn’t already guessed…
I’m very grateful to the online community (mostly on Instagram) for keeping me sane, focused, motivated, inspired, encouraged, and joyful.
Please know that a cancer diagnosis doesn’t stop affecting the person as soon as treatment ends… often times we are the most fragile at the end and need even more patience, time, love, and care than ever before.
We’re rebuilding, finding our new selves— ‘emerging from our cocoons’, so to speak… and it takes a lot of effort and time and courage to step out into the world once again at full force.
Nothing looks the same, feels the same, or seems right anyway. It’s like you have to relearn everything through a new lense.
Of course, every person is different and I can only speak from my own experience… but I do know many of you can relate to some degree.
Not even cancer-related, any trauma can portray itself this way…
I’m always here to chat if you need a friend.
And again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for always reading, asking for my artwork, and supporting me.
You can find me on Instagram @shestaysstrongblog
XO #shestaysstrong
