Taking a Break from Cancer
It’s been about 5 months since my surgery and the good news of me being NED (or cleared with “no evidence of disease”).
Sometimes I forget about how much I’ve been through in the last year of my life.
It’s hard for me to open up and to truly feel and think about all that I have lost and experienced… even just to myself.
It becomes too much.
I took a screenshot of this image from Pinterest. If anyone knows the original author, please let me know!
Having been stripped down to nothing, I see life much differently now.
I’d like to think that it’s mostly in a good way. But traumatizing nonetheless.
I decided two weeks ago or so to remove Facebook and Instagram (and basically all other social media apps) from my phone so that I could just completely disconnect and try to rebuild my life without distraction. (I did keep messenger because most of my best friends live thousands of miles away. And I did keep YouTube because it’s the one thing I allow myself to wind down with— I’m not one to watch TV or Netflix alone, if hardly ever).
You know the phenomena of buying a new car, then seeing said car everywhere you go?
Yeah, well, having had breast cancer is like that but 10x…
Every news article is cancer.
Every television ad is for a foundation committed to raising money for cancer.
Every Pinterest suggestion for me now involves titles such as ‘coping with cancer’, ‘eating with cancer’, ‘sex and cancer’…
And family and friends seem to talk about it more with me now, too…
“So and so was just diagnosed…”
“This person at work…”
“I saw a show about this girl…”
I can’t hear about cancer every. single. day.
I mean, I can. And I sometimes do.
But I choose to limit my time on the internet and to only involve myself in ways that are helpful to others, but not upsetting to me.
I appreciate the women who have guided me through my darkest of days— how selfless you all are (you know who you are!) And I now understand just how emotionally exhausting it is to take someone under your wing and show them the way…
I want to be that person to other women as well.
And even though this isn’t a circle I chose to be involved with, I want to still help in every way I possibly can.
That’s why I made this blog.
And by not posting often though, I feel as though I’m a bit of a failure.
But I think it’s equally important to disconnect as it is to feel all the loss you have been through and to constantly involve yourself in it so that future women find better treatment, support, and ultimately— a cure.
I trimmed my wig and now I have full bangs.
My break won’t be forever.
But I need a chance to break out of my chrysalis, so to speak.
I’m a forever changed person.
My focus these days are on my new relationship. Taking it one day at a time and simply enjoying one other’s company.
My physical and mental health. Running, lifting weights, trying new foods, meditating.
Work. And getting back into the swing of full time hours.
Setting new goals… which is easier said than done nowadays, I’ve realized.
At work I have access to a mindset coach and we meditate and talk privately about whatever it is that pops into my mind— I book in a call with him about once a month or two.
He asked me 5 months ago to close my eyes and envision my future.
The only thing I could see was me sitting outside staring at a beautiful view with the arms of a friend (or lover?) around me. Feeling cozy and at peace. Not knowing what was next but just living in that moment out in nature.
I did just that on my 10 day vacation to Banff with my new boyfriend a few weeks ago…
Just the other day the mindset coach asked me again to close my eyes and envision my future.
I allowed myself a little more (albeit being scary as hell— my biggest fear is recurrence and losing it all again). I imagined living in my own place again. Decorating happily with my partner and planning our next travels out in nature.
And even though I’m not sure of my future much beyond that, I can see this being a possibility for me…
At the end of the session he suggested I blog about these thoughts and feelings— the need to disconnect and transform into a woman beyond just her cancer story.
He suggested I let family and friends know that I’m still here to help women going through breast cancer, but that I don’t need to only talk about cancer and the negative things that have happened to me this past year.
In order to get to my vision and reach my goals, I need a break.
Don’t forget you owe it to yourself to just LIVE despite what shit you’re going through or have been through.
You’re allowed to smile. To go do something fun. To eat yummy foods and try new drinks.
I am forever changed. Cancer will always be a chapter of my life, unfortunately.
But I refuse to let it be the ONLY defining thing about me.
And so I just wanted to share that.
Allow yourself a break from cancer.
Even if your journey isn’t over.
My journey isn’t over.
But I don’t live every day as though it is the only thing that defines me or that I care about, have to worry about, think about…
Because of course I care about it. Of course it’s a part of me.
But there’s also so much more to my life and yours.
Don’t rob yourself of that.
Stop Googling. Stop signing onto social media and being bombarded by cancer this, cancer that.
Just take a break. An hour. A day. A week. I don’t care.
But go live a little outside this shitty reality.
You owe it to yourself. And so do I.
Thank you for reading. Feel free to email me at shestaysstrongblog@gmail.com to chat. I might take awhile to respond, but I will. Promise. :-)
#shestaysstrong
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