Aug 18

Aug 18 My Fairy Tale Ending

*** DISCLAIMER: This post is about my last relationship ending. If you don’t want to read about it, don’t. It’s just my thoughts, feelings and perspective being shared to show (the unfortunate amount of) women going through something similar that they are not alone. Please message me anytime if you are dealing with this situation. I am here to be your friend (because good gracious, I know what a lonely place it is to be… and no one deserves to go through it feeling all alone and misunderstood). Please also note that this was initially written months ago— a few months post-breakup which happened at the end of January 2020. I wrote this before meeting my now-partner and before my surgery and news of being NED. My thoughts and feelings on this particular chapter of my life are ever-changing but I think this sums it up from a somewhat neutral standpoint. Thank you for your understanding and I hope I am respectful enough in this writing to receive respect back. ***

I wanted to believe in our fairy tale— that being long distance during treatment would be possible for us, and even bring us closer at the end…

I dreamt of you proposing to me once I beat this…

I wanted so desperately for our future to go according to plan:

Beat cancer.
Move back to Ottawa.
Buy our first house.
Travel the world.
Be happy, continue to grow and heal, and go from there…

I wanted to be that special story that someone one day would read and think, “damn, if they did it, so can we!”

But life doesn’t always like sticking to a plan.

Love can fade. Feelings can change. Not everything is going to go your way…

Sometimes life kicks you while you’re already down and out… cue cancer.

My partner of over 7 years called one Friday evening to tell me he no longer loved me.

And so my (obviously one-sided and delusional) fairy tale came to an abrupt end. The music died. The curtains closed.

I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach— like I couldn’t breathe and was paralyzed while his words just buzzed all around me.

I remember comforting him through his tears. I understand how hard it must’ve been for him to tell me these things but I honestly just couldn’t believe the words I was hearing. I just nodded along and said, “Go on, it’s alright. You can tell me.” Much like how I handled the words “you have cancer.”

“Okay. Go on. It’s alright. Tell me what’s next…”

My main comfort, support, and number one person in the whole wide world was just taken from me as well.

I already felt as though I had lost everything. Why this, too?

Now was I not only the young woman with cancer, but the young woman with cancer who was dumped midway through treatment…

To say I was blindsided was an understatement…

I certainly didn’t see it coming.

I was too busy with literally fighting for my life. I go about a ton of my days as though I have blinders on with only one mission in mind…

If there were signs, I certainly wasn’t close enough to read them.

Maybe because of my situation I wasn’t able to support him enough.

Maybe it triggered something inside him and the fear became too much.

Or maybe, as claimed, the love had just faded and cancer was just unfortunate timing…

I don’t know what it’s like to be on that side of the story so I won’t hypothesize further…

Regardless, it is what it is. I respect his decision. But I’ll never fully understand it. And I’m not sure I’ll ever fully accept it, either. And I think that’s okay too…

I don’t want there to be any anger or name-calling towards him.

But I know I did nothing wrong. It’s not my fault this happened.

I don’t think there’s much sadder a thing than going from being lovers and best friends to becoming strangers overnight. It’s just an unfortunate part of life.

I always told him that if feelings were to change, to be honest with me. “Don’t bullshit me” was a common phrase I’d say throughout our relationship, especially once cancer hit.

I knew cancer would have a major impact on us. Especially being long distance. I just didn’t know how major…

I still feel foolish and naive.

However, I think I was able to handle it pretty damn well despite the intensity of the situation because I had already been there, done that.

It was like déjà vu all over again…

Girl loves boy. Boy loses feelings, doesn’t communicate, and self-destructs, leaving a bloody mess for girl to clean up and carry all on her own shoulders.

I’ll learn to love again. But honestly, that relationship was just as great as possible in my eyes. I still, months later, think of how good it was once. We weren’t perfect (who is?) but we had our goals and dreams, we were adventurous, we didn’t fight… But again, it could have been completely miserable for him (well, it must have been— and that makes me sad).

So what is ‘perfect’, really? My trust in myself, my ability to ‘see’ others, communicate, accept love, and read situations feels incredibly flawed now.

He was my best friend. He was (what I had thought of as) my soulmate. He was the person I wanted a future with. He was the person I would’ve stood beside through better or worse.

But you cannot force love.

And there is nothing worse than being in an unbalanced, unequal relationship…

So I’m apprehensive as to what else can be out there waiting for me…

Still, I’m going to date. I’m not waiting around. Loneliness is worse than any other symptom (to me) while going through cancer treatment…

Part of me thinks I’m not ready or ‘deserving’ of a new relationship.

Part of me fears what other people will think of me for wanting to date again so soon.

Part of me thinks there’s no man who could love someone like me. Especially someone in my situation with my future so unknown.

But as a good friend of mine pointed out… no one knows their future, really. “Yours is just brought to the surface a little more. But anything could happen to anyone at any time…”

I deserve even better than what I think I have just lost.

“What am I doing wrong? What’s wrong with me?” — Scratch that.

I’m still as hopeful and positive as ever before. And to be honest, I’m stronger, sexier, smarter, and more confident than ever before too.

I know that at the end of the day all of this is just one big blessing in disguise. One large life lesson to point me in the right direction.

So that’s my relationship update.

I’m sorry to disappoint. No fairy tale cancer blog story here, folks.

Life has a funny way of dealing its cards sometimes.

But even though it seems negative, I am deciding to see it as a positive.

I’ll always appreciate what we had together. The memories. The lessons learned. We spent the majority of our 20’s together.

And now it’s time for our 30’s and I wish him all the best.

On to a new love story… on to a new chapter in life… on to bigger and better things!

Cheers, friends.

Closing statements:

I happened upon the original notes to this blog post just yesterday— months after it was originally written. It took so many weeks and months of internal reflection to get the words to this point. I am happy to say I am in a new relationship now and happier than ever. And even though I live most days in full anxiety-mode that this will happen all over again, I am choosing to live life in the moment. And to allow myself a bit of happiness despite the unknowns. I’ll write more about us soon or when the timing is right… XO

Feel free to email me at shestaysstrongblog@gmail.com if you have any questions or comments. And if you’re not already, follow me on Instagram @shestaysstrongblog for more frequent updates. #shestaysstrong