Going into round 5 I wasn’t at my best.

Mentally, I had been knocked down to my lowest point in life.

But I knew I had no choice but to keep going.

To top that, my bloodwork hadn’t been good (white blood cell count still too low) on Friday so I was told to get more done Tuesday 2 hours before my scheduled chemo appointment.

I nearly passed out getting my blood drawn this time since I was already bruised, swollen, and sore in both of my arms. She couldn’t draw enough blood from one arm and by the time she finished in the other I was seeing stars (it doesn’t help that I had barely eaten for days out of pure depression, let’s be real…) I needed extra blood drawn this day too (go figure) since I needed it for chemo and for genetic testing (to see if I carry any gene mutations that could change the plan of my upcoming surgery or future cancer scares… I’ll keep you posted on this once results come in in 4-6 weeks!) Luckily the lady drawing my blood knew what to do (and despite being insanely busy) just held my back and put a cloth on my neck while I sat hunched over with my head between my legs for a few minutes.

My mom came with me on this day and so to kill time we got lunch in the hospital cafeteria ($9 micro-salads aka some leaves— and tea! Bargain!) And she also got in a mammogram while we waited for my bloodwork results.

I chatted with some women my mother’s age in the waiting room while I waited for her to get her mammogram. They mentioned having breast cancer in their family, what remedies seemed to have worked for a little while for their now-passed loved ones, and were surprised to know I had been diagnosed with breast cancer at my age (‘oh you seem so young!’ the typical response!) I always appreciate a good chat with strangers at the hospital these days!

Luckily my bloodwork came back just perfect. Even just 0.1 lower and I would’ve had to have come back at another date (that would bother me so much to delay things… not to mention I don’t think I could’ve handled more bloodwork at that time, so I’m very thankful I got to continue on schedule!)

I now recognize all of the faces of the nurses in the chemo ward. They’re all so bubbly, non-stop, caring, and into their work— it’s so admirable and amazing. I had Margaret helping me out this day and when I started tearing up while going through my symptoms (mentioning not eating, not sleeping well, and depression the last few days…) she said the best most light-hearted things a woman could say to another woman and gave me a hug without hesitation (I’m not going to mention them but they made me laugh and smile and stop tearing up instantly. No more self-pity party, let’s do this!)

She explained fully what my new drugs would entail— side effects, length of time for treatment, concerns to watch out for, etc. We learned that we would be coming back tomorrow for the second drug— oops, all along we had thought we were here for just one really long day. But because they’re new drugs for me, and very commonly cause allergic reactions, they are done separately at first so as to monitor and track whether or not I have a reaction to one of them!

I also learned that Herceptin is not chemo—but instead a chemical used to treat metastatic HER2-positive breast cancer to stop the cancer from growing/spreading (note: mine already had).

Taxol, the drug I would be given tomorrow, is chemotherapy.

So the day spent getting Herceptin went well— no side effects, no allergic reactions. But it’s a long process (we were at the hospital about 6 hours this day all said and done!) That meant getting up and walking around with my IV drip (I suppose that’s what it’s called) for the first time to use the washroom. That was weird— like walking around with a weird dog on a leash… (That’s my joke now… if I get up to use the washroom, I tell my nurse/mom that I need to walk the dog. Damn, I’m funny. Not.)

The sun came out for me after treatment this day and so mom and I went for a walk as soon as we got home from the hospital— just before sundown. I just needed to MOVE! To feel alive. To shake off the hospital… ness…

It was an early night for me this night so that I could rest— not knowing what to expect side-effect wise or what was to come tomorrow.

The next morning I got up, felt great, worked 2 hours before heading to the hospital for chemotherapy (Taxol) and headed in— this time, with Dad.

My nurse this day, Shelby, explained what would be happening (I learned I would have about an hour of prep-work before the Taxol was administered). I would be given some pills and Bendadryl to counteract the common allergic reactions that occur with this drug.

To be honest, I hated being on Benadryl. I couldn’t let myself fully sleep because you’re so on display in front of every nurse and patient in the ward. I was starting to feel anxious and trapped and overwhelmed. I didn’t say anything though and just closed my eyes and let my thoughts wander. Hopefully next time will be better and I can just give in to the doziness… at least this day I had gotten lucky and got a bed! I’ve had the bed 3/5 times now so I count myself spoiled. Usually it’s just a recliner chair you’re put in (those are comfy too though, don’t get me wrong!)

A big shoutout to my parents for sitting by my side on these days (holy heck, how dang boring must it be— especially if I’m just sleeping). Love you both— I appreciate you very much even if I don’t say it enough.

I managed to work Thursday and Friday just fine. I felt zero side effects and was starting to feel better mentally as well.

Friday night my Dad had bought us all tickets (mom, Dad, my brother Ryan, and I) to go to the juniors hockey game in Langley and so I threw on my wig and fake lashes and was stoked to get out of the house for the first time in over a week… I felt fine as hell until I got there and all I could think about myself was ‘I look fake’, ‘people must know I’m wearing a wig’, ‘people probably think I’m so superficial with my wig, fake lashes, and makeup’. (Note: I don’t even CARE if people wear wigs, extensions, makeup, lashes! It’s beautiful! I watch YouTubers and cheer on people all the time for expressing themselves any damn way they please!) But for me, I didn’t feel myself and so throughout the night I felt myself slipping inwards on myself, if that makes sense…

I survived the night but the thoughts never dissipated. I’ll have to try again next weekend…

Saturday I went downtown with my parents to the Vancouver Wellness Show. I’m very into alternative body care, medicine, food, and exercise these days (surprised?) So I thought it was a neat experience. It was basically the Costco of health (so many samples!) It was also the most gorgeous Winter day downtown Vancouver which made my heart sing.

We visited my brother Ryan later that evening at his apartment. We had pizza, beer, and watched a movie (this made me feel like myself haha!)

I was going to go out with friends after that but was feeling pretty exhausted by then. I also noticed some side effects starting to settle in…

The joint pain that occurred the rest of the weekend was unreal.

Saturday evening all I could think about was the relentless pain in my knees and ankle joints. I felt as though I had aged 30 years in just a few short hours.

I also got terribly ill overnight and hardly slept between running to the washroom to get sick every hour.

I took Sunday to completely rest and do nothing. I get anxiety over not being productive but today I knew it was in my best interest to do so…

Fast forward to Monday afternoon and I’m feeling better. I managed to go on my standard 30 minute walk outside, work a 3/4 day, and not have any naps. I have some plans made for the week which will also get me out of the house and occupy my brain so I’m looking forward to that!

Overall I feel as though I’ll handle this chemotherapy just fine so long as I stay active and positive.

Thank you to my family, friends, nurses, and hell— even strangers on the internet, for keeping me going this week!

There are dark moments in my days— there might always be. But honestly, the light moments always outweigh the dark ones and I know I’ll always get by… no matter the outcome.

Thank you for reading XO

If you have any questions, comments, or want to chat about your own experience, please reach out to me! Leave a comment, email shestaysstrongblog@gmail.com, or follow me on Instagram @shestaysstrongblog to DM me there (and to see more day-in-the-life type posts too!)

Stay strong, friends.