Today happens to be exactly 3-months post my diagnosis. Today’s blog might be more of a ramble than anything helpful… but I feel like I need to be super real, especially during the darkest times so that this blog is as accurate a depiction of someone going through this sort of journey as possible. I hope at the very least it’s relatable (so that someone feels like they can talk to me about their own journey and know that I will understand) or that it’s insightful.

I think showcasing and putting out positivity to the world most of the time, is great (and I don’t fake it, I’m usually okay, I swear), but it doesn’t show every side of the story. It doesn’t show me 100% of the time.

So here goes… here’s what a GOOD day compared to a BAD day looks like…

Good Days:

I wake up on time for work. Before the sun rises.

I work a few hours and actually accomplish a few good tasks for my team.
I update my coworkers and boss on how I’m handling things.
I take breaks to make healthy home-cooked meals, take my meds on time.
I drink plenty of water.
I go for a walk outside.
I talk to Matt on the phone or online.
I message friends and family throughout the day.
I tidy up the house. I make my bed, I clean my bathroom, I do my laundry.
I drive myself somewhere (an appointment or grocery store).
I do a workout (at home or at the gym). I appreciate my body as it is now.
I play piano.
I do my language training on the DuoLingo app.
I blog. Or colour. Or write to-do lists.
I cuddle my cat.
I read.
I smile.
I appreciate everything I have.
I educate myself on nutrition through online videos.
I have a bubble bath.
I socialize.
I relax and rest.
My digestion is fine.
My symptoms are manageable.
I feel fine mentally and physically.

Bad Days (aka today):

I try not to take pictures on my bad days ‘cause it’s a bit weird, but here we go…

I woke up feeling almost paralyzed. Mentally and physically. I had gotten up numerous times throughout the night (to feed the cat, use the washroom, watch YouTube videos on my phone just to ease my mind again). I hadn’t eaten in 17 hours (which isn’t the end of the world, people fast, but it’s not ideal for me since I haven’t eaten very much for a few days in a row now and my digestion is whack). I hadn’t had any water in almost the same amount of time (I live with a water bottle by my side normally, I know the benefits of staying hydrated). I didn’t want to turn on the light, let alone open up the windows to let some light shine in. (I love sunlight… thus my logo for the blog, my tattoo...) I didn’t want to talk to anyone— other than through brief messaging so I avoided going upstairs to see my parents and only talked to Matt on the phone for 3-4 minutes before trying to sleep again. I just lied in bed numb until nearly 11am. I had gone to bed around 6pm last night so I was starting to get sore and achey and it was affecting my mindset for sure. Luckily I always have my cat Ozzy by my side. He just cuddles in silence.

I finally managed to get up and brush my teeth… I feel as though I can’t even stand upright once being in bed for so long that I almost walk around hunched over. I make it to the kitchen to get some lemon water and I sit down at the dining room table to watch YouTube on my phone to just ‘stay distracted’. My parents ask me how I’m doing and I just start to tear up.

One thing about me— and it’s not a positive thing, is that I find it incredibly hard to be emotional (sad, vulnerable) in front of my loved ones. I can tear up on the phone with Matt, I can share my thoughts through writing, share my opinions and give updates to strangers, but I find I have a massive barrier when it comes to leaning on loved ones for support.

I cried not even out of self-pity (or maybe it was?) but more just out of numbness. From the feeling of the unknown. The overwhelm. The nothingness. The loneliness. It’s hard to explain. I suppose it’s like a weird side-type of depression and anxiety exclusive to this whole cancer journey.

Luckily, I can quickly put things back into perspective. I know I’m very fortunate in so many ways. Things can always be worse. I have so much support. I am capable of so many things still. I have hope. So after my little meltdown, I decided I needed to write out my feelings.

I’m going to take it easy for the rest of the day. I need to take care of myself. I need to not look at my work emails. I need to only respond to messages if I feel like it. I need to shower. I need to get outside the house even just for 15 minutes… I need to eat, breathe, rest, and just be. And accept the waves of emotions that come to me. No pressure.

I know this will pass, so that is what keeps me going.

Thanks for reading and sorry for getting a little down on you all today! I truly appreciate each and every one of you and your support and love. I just wanted to ramble and share the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Feel free to send me an email shestaysstrongblog@gmail.com or come find me on Instagram @shestaysstrongblog for constant daily updates. XO