Twenty days after Matt, my partner, made the official move back to Ottawa from Vancouver to start a new job, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Only sixteen days after my 29th birthday.

We decided to live apart until May so that I could spend some quality time with my family who live in the Vancouver area and Matt could get established with work so that we could buy our first ever home together in Ottawa come the Spring.

I remember coming home from the hospital with my mom in the early Afternoon on Friday October 11th, 2019 after receiving the news. I wanted to wait to call Matt until I knew he was home from work so I told him I was still out and busy with my Mom (we went to do groceries for Thanksgiving). Usually he calls while he’s driving home from work but I thought it’d be safer (and less stressful) for him to get home first to break the news.

I remember dialling him and heading downstairs in my room so that I could speak with him in private. I was still feeling “alright” and tried to ask him first how his day was. I wasn’t quite sure how to manoeuvre this conversation lightly. He cut he off and just asked me to tell him what the hospital news was.

I paused for a second and just said, “I have cancer.”

He replied calmly with, “Alright… so what’s next?” Sort of like how I reacted at the hospital. I’m very fortunate we’re both strong in that sense.

I proceeded to tell him the news— to spew out all the words the surgeon had told me as best I could remember. I knew I hadn’t retained it all and told him I’d send him the literature I had received later on.

It was then I started to cry.

It dawned on me that we could be apart for well over a year while I went through this battle.

We had basically lived together since day one of starting to see one another since October 2012 because I had lived alone in a bachelor apartment back in the day and he’d always be over. This was going to be quite the relationship test.

Of course we discussed our options:

I move to Ottawa and try to get in for treatment there as soon as possible (But would this extend my wait times even longer? What about getting more time off work for us both? Where would we live? Do we fly the cat out there? What do we do with the car? How would my parents and brother feel?)
Matt move back to Vancouver (but he’d likely lose his job unless he were lucky enough to get a transfer and then what would I do without any work benefits since I’ve always been on his? The medicine needed every 3 weeks would quickly add up)
Stay apart and have Matt fly in to visit me every month or two.

In the end, we determined the pros of living apart outweighed the pros of living together at this moment…

My parents live 10 minutes from the cancer hospital
My parents are able to take off a few hours here and there to bring me to appointments
I have my own car out here to use to get myself to and from appointments
Matt keeps his job and we keep our benefits
We each live with our families and have their constant support
We have enough air miles and gifted flights from family for Matt to visit every 6-8 weeks for the year

It would be and still is, one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make yet in life. But we had prepared to live apart for a few months during this moving transition anyway, so what’s a little longer? (I think because I grew up a military brat who moved around a lot as a child, I knew we could do this and didn’t question it much!)

I want Matt to have a happy life too. I want him to have his own support of friends and family. I want him to have a chance to grow at this new job. I want him to continue to grow as a person and not be in constant worry about me.

I’m lucky enough to have my parents’ support. And I knew Matt would support me as best as possible from afar as well.

We’re now over two months in to this journey and have seen each other twice.

Once at the end of October— I flew to Ottawa before starting treatment for a work event and it worked well that we got to spend our 7 year anniversary together and see friends and family as well!

Pre-chemo, 7 year anniversary in Ottawa, October 27th, 2019.

The second time was the beginning of December in which we celebrated a very early Christmas with my family, went on a few dinner dates, and had some fun friend time too.

Happy early Christmas! December 8th, 2019.

In between these visits there are a few things we do to support one another and keep the relationship going strong:

SnapChat: I got this tip from a YouTuber couple we watch who are in the fitness industry. They told their audience they use SnapChat every day to send one another clips of how their day is going so that it feels as though they’re still involved in each other’s day to day lives. Matt and I send one another snippets of the pets, snapchats of what we are eating, photos of our outings, etc. We use the filters and Bitmoji to make each other laugh too.
Phone calls: We talk on the phone every single day (maybe we’ve missed a day or two but texted and messaged constantly instead) but for the most part we talk daily— even just for 5 minutes. It’s nice to hear one another’s voices. Sometimes we use Facebook messenger to do video calls as well. But to hear “I love you” and “Goodnight” makes me feel closer.
Video movie nights: We’ve only done this a couple of times so far but sometimes we watch Netflix together online. We use Zoom (an online conference call app) to screen share and have our webcams running at the same time. There’s even a chat option so we can communicate in silence so that we don’t talk over the movie, haha. (Sometimes we even have a beer ‘together’ on these calls! Cheers!)
Send funny videos/photos: We tag each other in funny videos and photos on Instagram or Facebook because that’s what we used to do while working anyway. It helps to keep up some of our old routines!
We talk about our future: We still look at houses online and talk about our future goal of buying our first house. We send each other links to houses all the time and weigh the pros and cons for each. It’s fun!
Plan our next visit: We always know (at least roughly) when the next visit will be so that I can create a countdown on my phone. It’s nice to see the numbers melting away and when I’m having an off day I can just tell myself, “there’s only ____ days left! I can do this.”

Our next visit will be around Valentine’s day in February— roughly 8 week wait, which will be our longest time apart to date! But I know it’ll fly by and before we know it we will be together again, even just for a bit.

This isn’t easy. It isn’t fun. Matt is not only my partner, but my best friend too. Days get lonely, but I know this will only make us stronger in the end. I know that if we can do this, we can do anything.

What tips do you have for living long distance to your significant other? I’d love to hear them! Please leave a comment or send me an email so we can chat! Thanks for reading.