Why I Never Read my Test Results throughout Treatment
It’s been nearly 3 years since I have been in Complete Remission for breast cancer.
I’d be lying if I said I still don’t think about cancer Every. Fucking. Single. Day.
BUT, it’s not in the way you might think. I usually think about how grateful I am. How strong I now feel. How fortunate I am to have found such a supportive online community. And am proud of how far I have come since treatment— being an example for others.
Sure, sometimes I get sad. I get sucked back to the past and think, why me? I miss my old body. Why did my partner leave me? My cardio sucks now. Etc.
But for the most part, it’s just a ‘chapter’ of my life I can reflect upon and grab a bunch of life lessons from it.
Everything from my break up, to the loss of my pets, to the loss of my breasts, hair, physical endurance, etc. They have all taught me something.
I either needed to work on my self-love. I needed to show myself patience and empathy. I needed to prioritize my life goals. I needed to busy my mind with productive and passionate tasks instead of letting my mind swim with negativity…
I am often messaged by people asking very specific questions about blood test results, surgical pathology results, or questions about treatment, tumour type, size, hormone impact, etc.
And I always come back with the same thing: gather your questions and ask your oncologist. Hell, even get a second oncologist’s opinion if you can. I am not a doctor and I am not here to give anyone medical advice, including confirming anything from a test. I don’t even like ‘comparing’ stories to that degree.
Why? First off, it’s not my place. I am not trained in that space. But secondly, because it’s not something I even did for myself.
Last week was the first time in nearly THREE YEARS I looked at the pathology results written from my surgeon following my double mastectomy.
I never looked at my results throughout treatment.
I never waited to see my bone, blood, heart, CT, MRI, or pathology results. I never read them.
I let my oncologist deliver me the news in very basic terms to me.
Why?
Because I truly believe this kept me at peace and at ease as best as possible.
Even just now looking at the charts raises my heart rate and gives me anxiety.
I knew had I obsessed over reading my charts and results, I would’ve been in a deeper darker hole in terms of thought patterns and actions that would’ve then followed.
I listened and learned from what I needed to know in order to move forward, yes. But apart from that, my focus was on my mental and physical health, developed and built-up in other ways. i.e.: going for walks, practicing piano, practicing French, messaging friends, journaling, lifting weights, dancing, having dinner with my parents, etc.
I’m not telling you to ignore your test results or to do what I did.
But I am saying that you don’t have to obsess over the paperwork and let that define how your next moment, day/week/month is going to go.
It’s kind of like the difference between saying to yourself, “My body is failing me. I can’t keep doing this”— which leads to sadness, helplessness, and depression. VS: “How can I appreciate what my body is trying to do for me and how can I make today as good as possible?” — which leaves things open to hope, positive possibilities, and dreams.
I am interested in the science and in educating myself in the terms of the medical literature— but only now that I’m healing and a few years out.
How often do you look at your results?
How does this make you feel?
How did you feel before, during, and after?
What do you typically do after reading your results?
Is there power in protecting your mind from these results?
What are the pros and cons to looking at your results?
Again, these are questions to encourage you to reflect on what is best for YOU.
So what are your thoughts? Drop a comment below or shoot me an email at shestaysstrongblog@gmail.com so we can chat. Always happy to listen and learn.
You can also find me on Instagram for daily updates at @shestaysstrongblog
Much love,
Stephanie XO
#shestaysstrong
